I never realized how important sex is in a relationship – until I stopped getting some.
And believe me when I say I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum. In the past, I’ve been with someone who no longer wanted to have sex with me and I’ve also been in a relationship where I no longer wanted sex.
I can’t speak for them, but when I went off sex, it was a warning sign – one that I didn’t pick up back then. I no longer felt attracted to my boyfriend at the time and every time he kissed me, I physically felt suffocated.
Things weren’t great between us and someone else started giving me attention. There was no cheating and I did nothing wrong, but my boyfriend sat up and started taking notice, only it was too little too late. It was a vicious circle.
He stopped making effort in the relationship, I didn’t want to have sex with him and then I stopped making the effort. Things weren’t right between us at this stage, and not long after, we broke up.
When I was the one being denied – so to speak – I felt rejected and unattractive. In fact I couldn’t even believe how bad I felt and how much it affected me. This was weird for me as I’d never really thought sex was important in a relationship. Sex is just a physical thing and if you aren’t getting any, you can always get your pleasure from other sources, am I right?
It turns out sex is more than that though. Sex is about feeling close to the person you love. It’s about showing love and passion and it’s about spending some genuine time focusing on each other and no one else.
As a grown up, you’ll know how rare this is. With work, hobbies, projects and socialising, it’s hard enough to find genuine time to spend together in a relationship. And half the time when you do, it usually consists of watching half an hour of your favourite TV show in the evening before falling asleep.
It’s hard enough to find the time and effort to have sex as it is, so when you get the opportunity to, it’s really important to make use of that time.
Sex isn’t just sex.
As corny as it sounds, sometimes sex is about making love. It’s about having that undeniable passion between two bodies. It’s about feeling closer than ever. And, yes, sometimes it’s also just about getting down to it and having quickie to get to that essential point.
Did I mention how good orgasms are for you?
When sex is taken out of the equation, people can feel frustrated, unloved, rejected and unattractive. But when a couple have a healthy sex life, often people feel like the complete opposite – loved, sexy, attractive, passionate and more.
Sometimes it’s even beneficial to have angry sex too – ever been in an argument and found sex helped you forget what you were fighting about in the first place?
So yes, sex is important in a relationship. But, that being said, it’s also important to take into account why you might not be having sex.
Maybe it’s down to underlying issues which need to be discovered/discussed or maybe you just need to spice things up a little again. It’s important to get to the bottom of it all, and it’s also important not to push or pressure your other half.
As well as reminding you that having respect and patience with someone when it comes to sex, I’ll also leave you with this.
If you’ve not had sex lately, make the effort to. If you’re too tired from a long day at work, just think about all the other times you’ve been too tired and it’s led onto weeks on end with no sex. If you’re not feeling attractive, put on some sexy underwear and red lippy.
Sex can often fall on the back burner in a real grown up relationship, so it’s really important to forget about all the excuses not to and just make the effort to, well, y’know.