Don’t they love me? Will you leave me? Am I being an inconvenience? Everyone has these negative, self-loathing thoughts at their lowest.
Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), is just like that. Only, these thoughts come and go without warning. I could go from being at my happiest to being at my worst within an hour.
A mental disorder characterized by disturbed or unstable interpersonal relationships and self-image.
Add to that impulsive, reckless and self-destructive behaviour and we’ve got the medical definition of BPD. In simple terms, things could be absolutely perfect for me or absolutely not.
Living with a skewed perception of relationships, as you can imagine, does not make for a fairy-tale romance. Living with that perception, when in a long distance relationship, in fact often makes for the opposite of a fairy-tale.
Despite being an absolute beginner at relationship – I had decided quite early on in my life, that I was not made for relationships – the first relationship I’ve entered happens to be a long-distance one.
Don’t get me wrong the person I’ve chosen to be with, is as amazing as they can be. They understand my lows and celebrate my highs. The time differences, the busy lives and the general lack of support, can make even the most secure and happiest of people doubt their relationship.
So of course, me being the person I am, with mental health I have, have about doubts my relationship every waking moment.
During those moments – my worst – I see them as the villain in my life, push them way, give them the cold shoulder, threaten to leave them and so much more. An hour later,
I’m sobbing as the thought of having pushed them away from me, at the thought of losing them. I pushed into a frantic desperation to make them stay.
Fast forward another hour, and I’m showering them in love, with kissy-faced emojis and everything is perfect again. They become flawless again…until my next bad moment strikes.
Not having them close to me – where I can see the love they claim to have for me- in person, is one of the major reasons for my paranoia setting in.
When I’m upset at them, I spiral out of control, and then a thought sets in, what if behind those three dots of text – that seemingly placate me- the person I love is actually laughing at me. And just like that, the spiral of uncontrollable rage and upset moves even further away from my control.
A spiral. That’s exactly what my relationship is like. A spiral of perfection followed rapidly by a spiral of flaws.
Right now as I write this post, I am happy. For now, my relationship is one of contentment, trust and happiness. This feeling could change any minute now, but I am learning to enjoy the good for as long as it lasts.
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